Berry Business are posts that I share about my life or my own opinion on things that are happening in the real world. I do not have comments open because I am used to having other people tell me my opinion is “wrong” or that I do not deserve to have one at all, so to not play into trauma, I am making it where I can just express my own opinion on my own blog. Find me on social media, if you want to have a discussion.
It has been a large chunk of time since I have posted again. It seems like I have had a loss of direction in many aspects of my life. I have settled down a bit as I have gotten comfortable in my newest role. As I have adjusted to this, I have been working on finding myself again. I am returning to my own individual therapy at the end of this week actually. This time I have found a therapist that works with people that have autism. It has been interesting to understand that I have that particular diagnosis. That I should have always had it, but I did not get it as a kiddo.
There are a lot of “what if”, “where do I want to be”, and questions that I currently have about my life. I am still trying to decide those particulars, but one of the things that I want to get back to is writing. This is in multiple formats. I want to write more fiction. I want to write reviews again as well. I recognize that every time I have stepped back into this realm I create all these rules on myself that cause me to step away. This time around, I am at a place where I recognize I cannot create all these unnecessary rules and I also cannot care as deeply as what other people think about me or my writing. I need to just write and if I find an audience then I find one, but to be writing feels like it heals a part of my soul.
With this last paragraph, this means that I am going to try to post book reviews again. You will also see other reviews as well. I am also doing this because I am allowing myself to deal with the fact that I have memory recall issues. I have known that I do not remember things easily, but I keep acting like this is going to get better. I am realizing it is not going to be better and may actually get worse. I have recognized that this memory recall issue has been there most of my life. I have started to question if I have having a form of disassociation at a very early age. I was told that I was not hearing very well as a child, but the episodes were me not responding to people. I also am recognizing that there are little moments where I told people something and then did not realize later that I was even the person that said it to them. This happened a lot in childhood, but an example is also in my 20s when a friend that owned a comic book store said that someone had recommended the series. He was being sarcastic because it was me. I could not recall this. I have so many moments that are deeper than this that show where I cannot recall details from life. It isn’t because I am lying to people, it is literally that something blocks off a part of my brain. I believe this is due to trauma related issues in my life and I am now trying to help with that. I want to live a full rest of my life and one of those ways is to help me recall with media. It sounds silly, but it is one way I feel like I can retrain my brain away from some of the immediate dumping that my brain does due to the trauma brain.
Trauma brain is something I have been managing for so long. I am seeing the ways that trauma has impacted me so greatly in my life. I am not whining either this time around. I am simply looking at my life and saying, “wow, I survived all these bad days. Now do something with it. Make yourself as okay as you are going to be. What does happiness look like for you?” I am working towards understanding that in ways that I have not allowed myself before because I would create bullshit in my head to avoid it all. Therapy is going to be so helpful. I am hoping that it isn’t another 4 months before I post again and if I stay true to what my current goals are, it won’t be that long.
