Berry Business are posts that I share about my life or my own opinion on things that are happening in the real world. I do not have comments open because I am used to having other people tell me my opinion is “wrong” or that I do not deserve to have one at all, so to not play into trauma, I am making it where I can just express my own opinion on my own blog. Find me on social media, if you want to have a discussion.
I am still alive, I promise. I know it has been a few weeks since I last posted. This is largely because there has been a lot of changes that have occurred within these last few weeks. I have gotten closer to understanding what is going on with me medically, the real world continues to be a lot, and I have also turned in my resignation at my current job.
Happiness is a choice and what we will or won’t put up with in life is our decision. We get to decide. We are allowed to make hard decisions. I had this come into focus recently during a meeting where I was trying to say that I do not need to take personally some feedback that had came in, instead of that being the focus I was told some things that I recognized were someone else’s narrative and that I got to decide in that moment what was best for my own life. I needed in a moment to decide if I mattered to myself. Hearing repeatedly the same thing and being told to ignore my own inner mind was taking a toll. I decided in that moment to move on. I decided to choose me.
That all being said so many other things have happened as well. Medically speaking, I discovered that I may have a neurological condition that is causing me to sometimes lose the ability to speak. I have heard things from migraines, seizures, functional neurological disorder, and even multiple sclerosis. All of them have their own level of scariness, with obviously the migraines being the least scary to me out of these mentioned four. I went to ENT in Indianapolis and they were like your throat appears fine today basically, but that they are convinced that something neurologically is happening based on the ER visit in November. I mentioned the flairs on my MRI and she discussed that this is the area that she was concerned about. One of the issues that I have had a lot recently is a lot of pressure in my head, especially in the front of the brain. I have also had a lot of confusion. Not being able to follow conversations fully, losing my train of thought in the middle of a conversation. It has been a lot. Lots of word finding issues. There are days when I used to be able to talk a mile a minute, but now my brain hurts at times which makes me only want to talk at like 10 words instead of 20. This has been a lot, but I have an upcoming appointment with Neurology in Indianapolis soon. The ENT got me in as soon as possible due to how I am presenting. In her office, I started to have some of the issue when she went to do the videostrobe on my right side. I feel like I may actually finally get some answers, but we will see.
The real world is scary as hell. I don’t care about your political leanings in this moment. When we have had two people shot by ICE, that is unreal. Regardless of the reasons behind these incidents, two people are dead. This is a lot to take in about this group that is supposed to be about a specific thing. They are now killing US CITIZENS. The narrative is changing. We are scared. Normally, I would be all for protesting things, but now they are trying to make us afraid that we will die. Normal people. We might die, is the narrative that they are trying to spin to us. The world is a lot to take in mentally. When we look around there is a lot of overwhelming sadness in American culture right now. The United States is becoming a place that is flinging itself back and forth against a wall. It is pushing itself to a brink of civil war. I think this is where certain entities want us to go. I have heard it that there is a push to try to get us to do things because if we do there can be a push to use the insurrection act to keep a certain person in office. This is scary. If we also on top of this have personal things going on, this can feel a lot to the body. It isn’t any wonder that many of us are having full blown panic attacks or just general unwellness. Our bodies are not made for this much hatred. They just are not.
Back to happiness and that general conversation, I resigned from my current job as well. I have decided to go into an environment that I love, which is weird to say because of the brief mention basically here. I am returning to mental health. I am missing helping people navigate that part of their journey. I have enjoyed working at the library that I work at currently, but there are system wide (Fort Wayne, not just the library) issues that I just personally do not want to have to deal with in my life. I do not have the means to be the advocate for them either. I have to be able to live an okay existence myself. This goes back slightly to that above conversation that we, as humans, get to decide what we want to live in. We get to decide our futures and where we want to be. We do not have to stay in places that we no longer serve us a healthy purpose. Maybe there are things you have to give up in the new places you are going, but sometimes that is worth it when it allows for inner peace. When we have so much happening daily. When we look at the world and do not see hope, but sadness it is time to move onto things that provide that peace. We have to choose ourselves. We have to choose hard things that may not come easily. It may mean longer drives, different people, less pay, or any number of things. This can be worth it when you step back and see what the whole picture will look like for your life. I already have a new job lined up and I know this environment. It is one that will allow for happiness. It is one that will allow for inner peace. It is an environment I can stay in and feel alive. That is by far more important than anything else.
One of the things that I need to return to is finding my own inner peace. I was working hard on that during the ending of last year. I was very reflective because I was doing daily prompts and I felt healthier. I need to return to meditation, happiness, and the things that will bring joy into my life. I have made significant changes for the near future. I can see them on the horizon and as I keep getting past these important benchmarks, I believe that I will continue to find ways to truly lean into my own happiness so that I can be happiest in my own life. One of these things that I have to do to become happier is find ways to stop not listening to my inner voice. It has been telling me to read more often and stop watching things on TV. There is nothing wrong with watching TV, if that is your thing, but I feel internally that I want to read more. I want to do more of that because it makes my brain happier. I need to step back and assess what it is that is important in my life. I need a chart or something.
