Something that I am realizing is how heavy the world feels right now. We are in a new year, I know this. So how is this year already so heavy? It isn’t. It is the remnants of 2025 and just how the world is currently. I have been posting a bit on THREADS because that community feels very positive in nature. I posted that I wanted to manifest kindness and positivity only to find out about the situation in Venezuela regarding my country. We went into a place and took their president and his wife. We decided that we are going to just “take it over” and govern it “until someone new can be found.” So now we are just out here stealing people based on what? I am trying to stay positive, but within the last year there have been horrible things happening and they continue to happen in the USA. We just keep getting worse. I wish there was a way to positive spin all this, but in the last year we have had kids in cages, we have a President of the United States call a female reported a “piggy” and telling her to “shut up” which we cannot make up, my year was capped with two deaths of people I was working with to get into housing, and there has been a lot of medical stuff going on with me as well. I look at all this and I just stand open mouthed at how I am still standing.
This situation in Venezuela has just added to the inner sadness that I am feeling. I am not depressed, that isn’t this feeling. This is more sadness about the world, my life, and everything else. It is me not being able to see a way to change anything that is going on currently. I don’t know my place in all of it. That is why I titled this, “The Real World is Heavy” because it is. There is so much going on daily that can crush our souls. I think we are so connected all the time now that we cannot escape bad things. I still believe that there is a way to be kind in this world, but it takes effort and some days that effort takes more of your energy than it takes other days. I believe or maybe it is more that I want to believe that there is hope in the world. I haven’t lost all the core parts of me yet, but I can feel that they are a flower that hasn’t seen the sun in so long that I am concerned that the flower is close to wilting away. I want to push the flower back into the sun, but I am struggling to do that right now. I have thought about going back to therapy but I find that hard to find a good fit for me. I need a trauma informed therapist that understands where I have been in life. What I have seen and what has happened because it has been a lot.
I recognized recently how much of my life has been about people pleasing. To make other people feel okay. Jobs that I have taken have been because other people feel like I should do that job. I do not understand at this point what it is at my own core where I should be. I have two interviews next week and I feel called towards one more than the other. I know which one would be me if I was listening to my own inner heart, but for some reason I do not listen to that often. I often just go where and do what other people want. I think I would return. Yes, I think that is what my own heart wants. The other, my roommate hopes for me. It matters what I want, but how do I do that? I do not know. I am still rediscovering me in so many ways. I keep putting out these thoughts into the world because then they are released into the wind. I have shut off commenting because that is not what this journey is about. It is about expression and honesty from me. I put it out there for me, that is all this is. A place to vent some of my thoughts. If someone sees it that is great, but it no one does that is okay as well.
This world. I sometimes just feel like I cannot breathe in it. I just feel like I keep trying to move forward in it, but it is heavy and hard. My roommate asked me if it is hard to breathe sometimes. I said yes. I said that there are days that I feel like every breathe is labored regardless of what I do. I hear things like this Venezuela stuff and I become overwhelmed. I’ve been asked by teachers, friends, family, and strangers at times why do I take these things that I have no control over into my body, I am honestly very empathetic. I do not sound like it vocally any more because of medical related issues going on with my throat, but when I look at the people in the world I want us all to have wonderful lives. There is this weird core part of who I am that looks at every single person, from every single walk of life and wish them well. I want to fight for them, but not for me. I want to challenge the world and make it better. I want people to see each other and choose kindness towards every single person from the worst of the worst and the best of the best. I want us to start to recognize that most people are struggling and for us to work together to create a happier society, instead of tearing each other down. I struggle daily because I try to build a world that I can’t see in others. I can’t see them wanting it. I see them tearing down others. Cruelty is a virtue in modern society, but I want it to be hope, belief, and kindness. I believe in the kindness of humanity, but we need to remember it and start to choose it again. We have to stop this, “FOR ME ONLY mentality that is running rampant in our modern society. I want love and light for us all. I want positivity and blessings for us all. I want us all to succeed. I want us all to LIVE!! I do not want to tear down any other human beings to succeed in life. I feel if I was to stay in certain areas of my current life that I would have to get comfortable tearing down other people, which I will not do. I have to choose peace and kindness. Those are my core values and I deserve to have them in my life. I want to hold tight to them. I will not give them up to become a member of this new messed up world that is forming.
