We have left 2025 and entered into 2026. Welcome to the NEW YEAR! Full of promise and whatever we want to make it. We guide this ship towards whatever it will be. The same can be said for this place. I am in a reflective place of life and a learning place. I am trying to embrace what it means to be a person interested in becoming more aligned with being a “Green Witch”. This is a style of witchcraft that focuses very much on herbs and things of nature. I am still at the early stages of this, but I own several books on this now, especially after Christmas. I know that this is a place that I feel called to explore at this juncture of life.
This juncture of life is starting to feel like the time for change. This is coming out of the reflective part of my current journey. I have cared so much about other people for so long that I somewhere along the way lost almost completely myself. A recent incident at work shook me to my core. I was already feeling withdrawn and could tell a fundamental part of me was changing internally, but when this thing occurred I recognized what has been occurring. I was losing the spark. The spark that is not just related to being a social worker, but the one that is about life. I got to a place where all I was doing was going to work, smiling at people, saying hello out of obligation, and performing like I was on a stage. Even this started to take a beating as well. I am supposed to just smile and keep smiling. Always smiling. I have been sick for the better part of this year and walking on a fractured ankle, but keep going. Keep smiling. Be happy and make everyone else feel great, but feel like crap yourself. Push your true own inner feelings down over and over again to make everyone else okay. Feel that the environment you are in the most talking down to you repeatedly after years of working to get to where you are. You are not the end all be all, but you have worked hard to get to where you are and do not deserve to be barked at, but that has been the last year. Everyone else gets a say in how I should exist as a person. I am the only person that doesn’t get a say. Not in my own life. BE THIS PERSON OR ELSE! Even THAT won’t be good enough. I will just keep being told that anything I do in many ways will not be good enough by all these other people. It isn’t even my own voice. I used to think it was just my own internally nasty negative voice, but not in some of the environments that I have been in currently. These environments drag me down. The people in them think that they have the answers and that they better be listened to. It is toxic. I no longer want to just live in all these places that are toxic. This isn’t a singular environment. This isn’t me talking coded about something like work. It is so many environments right now. It is all the environments I find myself in. There is such a weird toxicity in them.
I nearly lost my ability to speak this year. That has been going on for a large chunk of this year. I have no clue what is going on with this either. I have no earthly idea what this condition is and what has been happening. I have had several weird moments where my voice suddenly goes very hoarse and it becomes much harder to find the correct words. The words will not come out. I was even hospitalized in 2025 because there was a weird incident where it seemed like I had a stroke. Words were having a hard time coming out. It was like an engine wouldn’t start. Then it would out of nowhere and it would allow me to speak. I was having issues with remembering my name, date of birth and other information. That moment was a LOT, as you can imagine. This has impacted a lot about how I am viewing my life right now. I can feel in my soul that something has to change or I will end up literally not on this planet and not by my own hands.
The last few months of 2025 really has gotten me to examine many aspects of my life. I recognize that if I do not make changes and find out how to stop people pleasing that I will remain sick. If other people continue to matter more than me than I will cease to exist. I do not want that to happen, so I am being reflective and stepping into how I want my life to look. It means upheaval though at the beginning of the year. When you want a life of happiness and peace, sometimes it can mean you have to take a wrecking ball to certain things to say these things were not in alignment with my soul. It just seemed like I should want to do them, that I should be in these places. Now, I recognize the wrecking ball has to swing through and leave some wreckage behind. That wreckage though still will allow for a new foundation to be made. A more “real” version of who I am and what I want from life. There are days though that right now feel heavy, but I know I am going to survive. There will be some very “real” updates coming out with in this month and next I am sure. They are going to be heavy but true. I am living in my world now, instead of everyone else’s world. For this next year, that is what I need to remember: This is my world. No, even better. This is MY LIFE. I need to remember that. ME, I MATTER. I should matter. I have to matter. I will help myself matter again to me. It is going to take awhile, but the light may come slowly I am however going to find it. I am going to step into it and embrace it. I am going to find me again. It is time. I looked in a mirror recently and saw myself for the first time in years. I didn’t see myself any more. I saw a very sad person. A worn out person that didn’t look like me. A person that has let the world run them down. It is time to find the spark of life again, so that I can live another 30+ years. I deserve to be alive. That is the first time saying that in a LONG TIME. I deserve to have a happy life and to be around. I deserve to find peace. I deserve to be in a life that is in alignment with my values, my purpose, my goals, helping others in a positive way, loving others how I want to love them, and so much more needs to return in 2026. I want to blossom like a flower, but instead of just saying this I want to do it. Every other year, it was just a verbal speech for a new year. This year, it is a promise to keep working towards betterment, but not as a resolution. It is not a new year resolution, it is choosing me again. It is telling me that I matter again. I can do this. It is so important now to do this. I can’t give up on myself. I want to live.
