Welcome to “Berry Business” which are posts about what is going on in the life of well me, Berry Winters! These are posts that I talk about aspects of my own life or what my opinion is on something that is currently going on in the world. Due to this, sometimes these are randomly posted. If the real world is hitting, I might want to quickly jot out my thoughts on it and this is the post for that.
There is a lot going on in my life currently, processing. I am returning to therapy on the 24th because I am realizing how deep of a trauma hole I have dug for myself. This last week, I discovered that I need something called PRISM put in eyeglasses. I only started wearing eye glasses about 3 years ago, around the same time that my autoimmune related issues seemed to show themselves. How on earth did PRISM needing to be put in my glasses trigger trauma memories in me you may ask? Well, I have had double vision for pretty much all my life, as far back as I can remember. I have literally lived with it for 35+ years. I just thought it was a normal part of my particular vision set. I didn’t know there was another way of existing until the doctor I saw this last week put this funny little device up to my eyes. The first group did little to nothing, but when he flipped it and started going up I was like WOW WHAT A MINUTE! There was a L on the screen and I could tell it was only ONE L. It was the first time in 35 years that I saw something singular. It was probably one of the happiest and saddest moments of my life. Happiest because obviously this means I am going to be able to see things in a singular vision instead of a doubled world that I have been living in. Saddest because it is another sign that there were people in my life that should have taken better care of me and gotten this taken care of long ago. To think if I had prism glasses years ago, I probably would have less pain with my eyes and less headaches overall is jarring. I won’t let myself sink into depression though over things that cannot be changed.
I had a weird moment in this same last week where I remembered a period of time that my grandmother, who raised me, got very ill. I remember the cousins that I was raised with went to other people, such as an uncle and a granny’s brother in Syracuse, Indiana. I had to question my sister about this to make sure I wasn’t remembering wrong, but I was not sent anywhere. I was still under the age of 18, but I was still at the house that I had been in without an adult. This might sound like some kids dream, but I don’t recall having food either. I am not writing this to be sad or pity, but this was a memory I recently recalled. I am still unsure why this came up in my brain. I have been processing how people can just leave a child alone for the most part, but it made me recall other memories that are equally as troublesome and bewildering. Time that food was not readily available. When we were told to be older than we were. To do things that were not necessarily in our age bracket, but we were asked to act like we were much older. Taking care of things that we should not. Processing trauma is hard when you are doing it in a journal sometimes because you don’t want to come off as someone that is just sad, but the truth is that up to a certain point life was not good. Why am I still putting these posts out there? Because it is really what I am processing and have going on partially right now.
I finished a game that I didn’t really get the opportunity to play much as a child in “Final Fantasy”. I am not an avid gamer, as I frequently was watching the male cousin often play video games instead of myself playing them. One of the things that I said that I wanted to try to do this year is continue this idea of doing things that I didn’t have the opportunity to do in childhood or if I didn’t know a think that other people in my age bracket knew a lot about I would interact with it somewhat. This has led me to watching some of “Dragonball Z” because I had not had the opportunity to watch it. I used to get unreasonably angry anytime anyone mentioned this show to me. I was not sure for a long time why I was having such a weird reaction to something I didn’t even have a clue what it was, but then one day this last year I was talking to the roommate. I realized in the conversation with him that I was angry that there were all these cartoons, video games, TV shows, experiences, etc. that I never got to do because I went from a childhood of neglect to homelessness to trying so hard to improve my life through school that I never got those opportunities. “Final Fantasy” was a franchise that I loved because of “Final Fantasy 6” (3 in the United States). I had the opportunity to play this, even though there is a core memory that is not pleasant. I still love the “Final Fantasy” franchise so much. Seeing others enjoyment even after I was not in Indiana, as I had several partners that also loved the various games. Due to this, I have always maintained the pleasant feeling attached to it. I decided to start playing the game by purchasing the “Pixel Remaster” versions that are on NINTENDO SWITCH. I played it off and on for several months. Playing it usually one hour increments because my brain could not take sitting playing it for longer than that. When I reached the end it was a glorious moment! I accomplished the goal of a video game I never got to play. The elation within my body. The achievement! The pure adrenaline! I can’t properly explain that joy because it was years in the making. I can’t say how proud I am for stepping into the casual gamer real to play this game. Guess what? I started “Final Fantasy 2” the original, not the US version this week! I am going to keep playing these games because I want to experience this franchise and enjoy every second because even though I may have had a lot of trauma, I can now do the things that I didn’t get to do. I can live the experiences I didn’t get to have. We make the choice at some point to stay in the sadness and while I am in some for this week, I continue to process and find ways to tell my body that we are not back there and we are moving forward. We are going to live a life, even if it is not always pleasant. Even when we are triggered, we are going to survive because we do have hope, even when maybe I can’t feel it 100%. It is still there pushing me forward towards all the happiness that I will be able to feel in the future.
